THEY say beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but it turns out that beholder can have some pretty specific demands.
After a group of men revealed hairy nipples, crusty eyelashes and a footie obsession top their (pretty brutal) list of turn offs, women have hit back with their say. Safe to say they don’t hold back… lads, you’d better hope you measure up.
“You need a lawnmower just to find some men’s willies… it’s revolting”
Nilufer Atik, 43
“When it comes to male turn offs, the biggest one for me is definitely bad teeth.
I don’t mean a few wonky nashers, I’m talking about teeth so horribly misshapen and rotten they could give Shane MacGowan a run for his money.
I once got chatted up by a bar manager whose teeth were actually green. I hadn’t noticed until the lights went up at the end of the night and he smiled and asked me if I’d like to carry on our conversation elsewhere. I was nearly sick.
Number two on my list of libido killers is offensive smells. This includes sewage breath, rotten onion body odour and cheesy feet.
There is another type of cheesy scent I can’t abide – and it’s one I reckon most women have encountered in a man… the blue stilton crotch.
It happens when he fails to wash himself properly ‘down there’ and is to a woman’s sex drive what dry rot is to an antique coffee table.
I only came across it one time, at a music festival, and despite having a six-pack Hugh Jackman would have envied, the man in question gave off such a whiff in his undies I couldn’t even stay in the same tent.
Men’s biggest turn offs
A group of guys laid down the gauntlet with an extremely harsh list of things which turn them off about women.
Here are some of the worst offenders:
“Marriage is the the biggest buzz-kill when it comes to wanting sex — with your spouse, that is.”
Being into football
“Women football fans never truly appreciate why men invented and love the game: as a means to escape women themselves.”
Vaginas after childbirth
“It was like a scene from Alien or Saving Private Ryan… I wasn’t prepared for the blood and gore.
“I realised then that my girlfriend’s vagina isn’t a playground — it’s a factory.”
“Had she plucked her boobs or pretended the fluff wasn’t there, we’d probably be together now.”
‘Amazon jungle’ pubic hair
“It ran up the sides of her legs and rejoined as a swirl of hair on her navel. I wasn’t mentally ready for that.”
“Badly applied makeup comes high on the list of turn-offs — ‘when she looks like a clown’ or ‘has crusts on her eyelashes’.”
While we’re at it, keep the hair down there in check.
Men expect us to be prim and proper down there so why can’t they be? You’d need a lawnmower just to find some men’s willies and it’s revolting. Get those backs waxed while you’re at it.
Another bloke bugbear is a lack of manliness. Or rather, men who go ‘a bit girly’.
This affliction can strike at any time during the early stages of a relationship and is a definite desire dampener.
I will never forget the moment a burly rugby player I was seeing turned to me during the film Daddy Daycare (which he insisted we watch in bed) with tears in his eyes and told me it was his favourite movie of all time. I called him a taxi and never looked back. I want a man in the bedroom not a mouse, thanks.
Last, but not least, is spitting – especially when the saliva is mixed in with phlegm.
I have never, ever, seen a woman snort back the contents of her nose into her throat, then propel it forcefully through her mouth. And I have no idea why some men do this, or think it is in any way acceptable.
Guys, if there’s a lady you want to dump but don’t know how, just do this and I promise you won’t see her for dust.”
‘If you don’t have a big willy, brush up on other skills’
Sam Brick, 48
“While good manners dictate that size doesn’t matter. I’m afraid it does. Most wine bars and girlie nights out will revolve around, ‘Is it in yet?’ tales of the bloke with the micropenis. So if you don’t have a big willy, please brush up on other skills.
For example, guys who give good oral are gods in our eyes. In one office I worked in the computer geek was passed around amongst the women because he was so good at going down south.
Steer clear of the booze as well because alcohol and erections don’t mix. Show me a bloke who reckons he can perform after he has sunk five pints and I’ll show you a pig flying past my window.
For starters they stink and smelling like a brewery is just not sexy.
Another problem is that while many think they want a forward woman in bed the reality is the opposite.
Introduce the rampant rabbit in the bedroom and they suddenly flee. Men do not want us to compare and contrast their crown jewels with our buzzy, orgasm-friendly friends.
All of that’s presuming you’ve met someone, but just that can be fraught.
I’m 5ft 11in, so that rules out most of the male population.
Contrary to what many guys think, us tall women don’t nurture a fetish for a short-arse. It might be your fantasy to have our 36 inch legs wrapped around you, but we see you and think one word: Hobbit.
Speaking of short hairy elves – can we talk body hair? There is no excuse to be hirsute. One sweet guy (you know what’s coming…) ticked every box BUT his back hair was longer than Rapunzel’s. The thought of getting my fingers lost in the growth did not appeal, especially as he was bald on top.
Which reminds me – guys, don’t cling on to your wispy bits. I made one boyf get a skinhead while on holiday together, he looked so much better when he wasn’t trying to pull a wispy fringe over his thinning barnet. It was like putting a plaster over a dam.
To be honest all of this is why I only seriously dated Yanks who still open a car door for you and don’t expect sex on the first date. It’s why I ended up marrying a French guy. British blokes are a great laff but score ‘nil points’ when it comes to love and lust.”
“I can’t get on with man boobs”
Amy Nickell, 30
“Apparently, the average man only buys their own underwear 17 times in their life. Which explains why so many strip off to reveal a barely-elasticated pair from Next that look like they were bought by their mother eight Christmases ago.
How’s this for an idea? Put an expiration date on your underwear. Six months and then out with the old and in with the new.
If a man can’t even take care of his own underwear then what chance do you have of taking care of me? Just make the investment, boys.
And if I’m making the effort to see what’s inside those Next shockers then the least you can do is have a little neaten up around the old boys.
I’ve been astounded when the trousers of some of my outwardly best-groomed boyfriends have come off to reveal their very own jungle book lurking underneath.
But watch your razor (or, perhaps, chainsaw for some) lads, we wouldn’t want your manhood taking a turn for the Manx cat.
In fact, I think no pubes is significantly more offensive than too many. Less is more, until less is none.
I can’t get on with man t*ts either. There’s nothing worse than a man with a cup size bigger than yours.
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See also: skid marks, dirty fingernails, texting back just the word ‘Yeah’ and being rude to waiters.
Also, men who get overly drunk on first dates and talk constantly about other women.
I’m sure you had a really lovely, photogenic, very toned and slim ex but I don’t wish to hear about her. Especially if we are on a first date. Even more so if we’ve just had sex and are lying in bed.
Now is not the time I want to scroll her Instagram with you.”